Nothing much

I'm lost or at least I feel it. I'm happy to some extent, yet broken and yearning for an escape. Wanting to be held, if not to be hurt by another. I am waiting, watching, open to other people, yet a little distant to the touch or idea of you...whoever "you" may be.

One week and a date.

Friday last week I saw transformers. Split between two of my best buddies, I tried not to cry about Josh but it evenually poured and I had to go take care of my mascara that flooded my worn out face. This friday (tonight) I sat next to a guy on a date as he evenually went to grab my hand and hold it secure for the next hr or so. I am full of mixed emotions and rebounding keeps popping up in my head. I'm hesitent to trust anyone or let anyone back in at this point. He seems like he wants to go out again, we will see..wanna take anything slowwww.

A week after.

Being dumped flat out sucks. Growing up, there were many guys I liked and some that liked me back but he was technically my 2nd boyfriend and attempting to dump me through text and then over the phone showed me the kind of man he is, or lack there of. There are times such as this when all I wanna do is cry, scream, run without stopping, blast music and try to sing over it...times like these when I hurt. Times when I look back to things I've done, stupid ignorant things. People I've believed in, cared about, trusted and yearned for.  Truth is, I miss him. Being dumped is obviously painful but its almost as though crying doesnt satisfy the pain. As days go by, certain aspects and situations remind you of that person you cared about.  Making you wonder whether he cared or just wanted to act like it but not really care deep within. When a guy holds me, it calms me down as if everything going on in life that frustrates me and causes stress just evaporates for say 3-4 minutes. Its pure awesome to sound real immature.  The thought of another guy soon just scares me and frustrates me...it hurts. I miss being held, being told I'm beautiful, riding in his truck blaring rap music, kissing...I do not miss the stress of waiting, the stress of wondering and making sure we're "ok." Too much work. Can I make it? I realize that I haven't been in the Word enough or any really lately. That can def make a difference in my relationships and how they are established, maintained, and strengthened. Yes, the fact that a guy I used to admire and look towards has been there the past week and there to comfort me sure does make rebounding easy and hard to avoid. I need strength and I know no strength or pep talk thats gonna help me know what to do and who to go out with besides the strength of God. Lord help me. All I wanna do is cryy...