Time

Time to stand back and wait
Time to stand back and watch
Time to sit back and relax
Time to accept that I can do nothing alone
Time to realize that worry gets you no where
Time to try something new
Time to trust again
Time to not try so hard
Time to accept the importance of mutuality
Time to communicate fully
Time to not plan everything
Time to be patient
Time to not categorize people
Time to forget and not compare
Time to push play and break the rewind button

Run

If I were to run right now and not stop, where would I go. How far would I push my body before my legs, shins, and knees began to give out beneath me and cramp up. Would I run towards a dead end only to push through to whatever lies beyond the "end." Would I extend the road past it's boundaries or rely on the title of the street. When I see a light, a possibility that seems real, what will I do. That is the question. Will I run away even farther or right into the possibilities of the possibility.

Covered

Content
Lonely
Distant
Chill
Worried
Pulled
Cold
Closed
Acting
Haunted
Covered by his blood

Lonely

On days like this, I feel like I could stare at the wall for hours
Just thinking on who I am, who God intends me to be, who to be with and who to throw back
Preventing myself from jumping into something because I'm lonely
Keeping my heart decently cold to trust the next one who comes along
Afraid of this lonliness
However, knowing it must be good for something

It's a time

Its a time to listen to the Holy Spirit, to take every opportunity to drop and fall in humble adoration and leave it all to him, Its a time to think and ponder a lot of things, To be sure that this feeling of loneliness doesnt lead me to something regrettable

Journey

Its a journey and its quite entertaining
A journey of discovery, ya think you know yourself
Til your single...thats when ya figure out who you are
It def makes you think
Its freeing and depressing at times
But a journey worth the side effects

Flowing

Trudging along, learning to take one day at a time. No purpose in the consistent layer of worry I tend to pressure myself with. I need to learn that its ok, its okay. Life tends to flow in the direction God takes it, so why freak about the little things. It's not worth it. This is what I'm learning. To flow

Let it flow

Lonely
Very reclusive feeling inside
On the outside I remain bubbly
This must be where I find God the most
Where he shows me himself and who I am
And who he must want me to be
So I'll quit trying and let it flow
Because when it flows and with living water
It flows in the right direction
Even if I don't see it
So lets wait it out
With a calm spirit
And a steady perseverance

Cling

To simply cling to you 
By the security in your consistency
The security in your unconditional love
Raining down on my parade
No pain, no petty behavior
Void of sadness
Joy, something of ease
Music playing
Shutting out the noises
Listening
Sitting in the presence of My father 
Knowing that he's listening
Love
Love you
Lord show me the layers you see
I wanna see
The spiritual battlefield
Thick walls broken down
Chains broken
These blue eyes are cloudy
Clarify
Because clarity is beautiful
Gotta cling to you
Must
Continue
Continue to cling

Ya know

Ya know that feeling when your heart and soul demands growth
When the Word becomes like candy and you can't get enough
When your broken and ya realize that this Word of God you crave
Is free
You scroll and flip through the pages and realize things ya never knew
You see people differently and start to feel like a loner
Teach me, show me, tear me apart only to put me back together better than before
Rescue me Lord

Building of solitude

Think about it...
An abandoned building remains in solitude
Void of feelings, just content
Accompanied by the homeless and the birds
Welcoming to those who enter its lonely doors
Over time, crumpling and rotting in places
The heart of the building beating slower and quieter
Trying not to freeze in its dwelling
Wanting to feel again
But I'm cold
I'm numb

Rubberband

Pushed against the wall

Pulled like a rubber band about to break

Wandering around

Never able to be alone

Headphones trying to block it all out 

Losing focus, gaining a new one

Wondering if this focus is worth the time and effort

Or if effort should even be dealt 

Pushed around, losing feelings for anything

Breaking like plexi glass, unable to pick up all the pieces

Before I cut my feet on the piece the broom didn't find

Cut and tried to be put back together again in a matter of seconds

Without time for healing to stop the bleeding 

Finding out things you didn't see before 

Drained and damn tired

Stronger

It's a lonely feeling of fear
A fear of letting anyone back in
A feeling I can't seem to shake off
And it's heavy
Heavier than heartache
More like a wound that has made me cold
Shivering, frail; yet stronger than before
My heart secured by a barred system I've built over time
Only broken down by someone strong enough
To break through the bars I've been hesitant to break
Stronger than before

I've learned

I've learned that...
I like a guy that:
Has a gentle sense of who he is; a strong gentle nature
Is a bit sensitive
Talks more than I do
Genuinely loves the Lord; how attractive that really is
Is very observant; notices all the things I don't
Calms me down
Worries just enough
Makes Biblical submission a thing I do out of love and respect
Has a good taste in music; expands my taste
Enjoys working out; athletic enough
Has a hard work ethic
Challenges me
Isn't shallow
Never bores me
Always chases me; pursuing me
Has a genuine romantic side
Is patient; that's a weakness of mine
Has a great personality; keeps me laughing
Can make my heart beat out of my chest without even saying anything
Doesn't get physical right away
Loves my family and connects well with them
Is very involved and interested in what's going on in my life; vice versa
Is a good deal older than me; 2 years or more
Has a great job or is getting there
Has a passionate heart
Has a butt...
Is honest, upfront; doesnt play the guessing game
Remains true to himself
Involves me in his life and his family/friends
Doesn't let me drive much
Has a sense of style
Constantly seeks God's will
Is humble
Is good with technology; has a creative mind/outlook
I've learned to not let myself get attached for a while
I've learned to not become blind of X out of the things I may be trying to overlook about the other person
And so on..

At first

At first it felt simplified/ better/ Smart
Now I only feel neglected
Thrown down a laundry shoot
Waiting to be worn again

Try not to

Try not to fall too hard

Try not to fall too fast

If you fall, be sure he does too

Trust him with everything and little at the same time

Be smart, listen to wisdom

Silence

Its being silent
Wondering if that's alright
Wondering why I'm even like that sometimes
Wishing I wasn't
Struggling with not having enough to say
If I could just sing more than I speak
I would probably never be quiet

It's falling

"There's so much I don't know

And you find you're holding on
To everything you know
But the strength to move beyond
Is found in letting go..." Ben Rector

Its falling
Its finding trust in who you're falling for
Its learning that fresh, honest air is more refreshing than guessing
Its caring for someone in a selfless manner without return
Its falling through clear air
Falling without fear
Falling with prayer
Its falling
Its finding

Unknown

Constantly running towards the unknown
Heart pounding, head spinning; thoughts of the unknown
Pain and joy competing on a balance beam
Seeking, praying, curiosity of the unknown settling in
Waiting and watching

Reassurance

I feel like Im running in place lately and I don't know how to move on. I wanna know how to jump, to increase the elevation and discover the purpose of the pain. Is it pain or just pure frustration? I want to feel loved, cared for, show me I'm needed and appreciated. I only feel that way at random. I want mutual...everything. Maybe it is but it has to be verbal for a person to know. Maybe not for some but I lean towards reassurance.

Adjustment

Sometimes unpleasant accurances force a person to adjust.
When a factor hinders a passion someone has for something,
They don't know which direction to turn.
When they don't know which direction to look towards,
They tend to freeze in place.
Frozen, frustrated, put down by reality
They have difficulty even considering something else.
Its understandable to be crushed.
Yet, hope is not perishable.

Wandering

Wandering
Placing things in categories
Flowing in and out of contentment
Showing someone you care
Never completely trusting people
Thinking, thinking, thinking
Wading in water that threatens survival
Determined to make something of yourself
Feeling lonely without reason