idk..just felt like writing.

Dont be offended if I dont tell you that I love you, I only say it when I mean it.
Dont think because I havent said it that I dont know how to feel it.
Love is not just a word, love is raising the bar to something higher than yourself
Giving up what you want for the chosen.
I only say it when I mean it, so please dont say it when you "feel" it.

Almost done

ONE MORE FINALLLLLL!!!!!!!!

I didn't plan on this

We're still going strong so that gives me hope
You never bore me so I feel like its different
I'm always happy when we're together and even when we're apart
As cheesy as it sounds, when I tell my friends about you I automaticaly light up in the face
You just brighten my day
Its almost been two months and my friends and I know that I suck at relationships so usually at this point it starts going downhill but we're far from that
I love it
I didnt plan on this
I didnt plan on someone like you
But who am I to plan so it must be God
You have your flaws as do I
But we accept those things and have fun

I pray that I pass my classes with scholarship renewal grades,
Just need to put this crap in your hands Lord and quit with the incesant stressing...
I know you can help me and WILL/AM

Ever

Ever just wanna be alone but hate the actual feeling
Ever wanna smack someone just once, nice and hard
Ever make wishes at 11:11 just for fun
Ever doubt whether what your feeling is happiness
Ever wonder what you're really pursuing

Another go

Did I happen to run into a corner of happiness, did you appear for a reason..please don't dissapoint because this wasnt my plan to give another a go at my heart.  Yet, you're here with me, side by side, and I love it...every minute so far..make it last...please dont hurt me

Why/how do we?

Why do we continue to stick our hands on the stove
How do we manage to fall out of a hammock when everything feels so comfortable
Why do we yearn for things that always end up burning us
How do we know when to listen and when to ignore someone's advice
Why do we ask when we dont want to receive
How do we know when the jump rope's rhythm is about to stagger
Why don't we think

The jumbled way I think, imagine a painting without enough room on the canvas...

More than tired, more than messed up, more than hurt, more than broken, more than mad, more than stressed, more than wanting simple, more than wanting relief, more than what you think I want, more than friends who keep disappointing each other, more than this sad feeling, more than this stronghold of shy crap, more than a bunch of random people i call "friends" or new people, more than the chaos..its so much...so much of life. If none of this had happened...would it even be life or a dream. I believe if it was all fun and games like summertime, then we wouldnt be living in reality. Living in a dream would be like living in a place nonexistent to what we actually need and have. I want everything to go back, to rewind to a simplier time...or maybe there wasnt ever such  thing, too much to ask so Im not asking, simply wanting. Seeing how we dont always get what we want, we wait.

Non-existant assurance.

Sometime all i want is the assurance that I matter to you, the assurance that when you start having a bad day that you can come to me and vent and vice versa.  Sometimes all I need is your honesty, an honest driven relationship should NOT be this hard to find.  What more, we're friends not just people that know each other that wanna get to know each other better. So dont you dare lie to me when we talk and you BETTER talk instead of being a coward and ass! Because i know it all, every little thought thats passed your lieing mind in the past few weeks.  Sorta like when you uncover something you didnt realize was there, thats whats going on and there sure was more to uncover than i would have imagined..much more.  Friends dont do that.
You:
Lost feelings soon after but didnt feel the need to tell me before we got farther.
Made a big deal out of picking up your GIRLFRIEND.
Didnt even think i looked nice, better after i look like crap from work.
Brought someone on what i thought was a date to make it awkward for me/get your point across.
Never offered to get me anything to eat.
Ignored my existance.
Made fun of my work ethic.
Kissed me to test those non-existant feelings.
Talked to my dad when you werent planning on beig serious.
Need I go on....

I have

Ever driven down a road so fast you feel your heart beating like a bad drummer.
Ever yielded to someone, declaring in your heart that there must be/could be somethin.
I have.
Ever watched someone hurt and couldnt find a single word left to muster if only to sit and listen.
Ever cared for someone so much that you can feel and taste their pain like a cold sore.
Ever forgotten that your hurting too.
I have.

Trail and error.

Its sorta like trail and error.
Or like jumping in the water only to discover its negative something degrees.
Its like believing in something or someone without seeing the unbelievable.
Why?

Crazy thinking

Don't think too hard about this and that. Does thinking to the point of crazzzzy ever get anyone anywhere? So far, it doesnt look like it, besides getting that person to the "crazy point." I mean everything you do and say should be thought through. Where would we be if we simply didnt use our heads through life? I mean even those who screw up over and over still think about what they did to some extent.  However, they may screw up and think about it in a positive way due to different opinions and beliefs. Once someone has messed up, sometimes they justify what happened to cater to the life they have "now."

Ya can't.

Ya can't run from everything.
Ya can't turn off the sun during the day when its too hot to handle.
Ya can't drive off to think, eventually you'll run out of gas.
Ya can't superglue your fingers together just for fun without expecting it to take a while to fix.
Ya can't keep promises but talk about the person at the same time.
Ya can't go trusting a person without grounds to prove reliability.
Ya can't say its not worth it without testing what appears to be unworthy.
Ya can't run from God without realizing you need him to survive.
Ya can't please everyone, so dont try.
Ya can't imitate a personality, you can only personalize your own.
Ya can't tell me what you mean without giving me all ya got.
Ya can't love if you don't know the meaning of the word.
Ya can't always have it your way.

No air

"out here in the water so deep, tell me how ya gone be without me..i just cant breathe, no air, no air.."
...home tonight, sorta wondering what your thinking. Its been an ok week. But why does it seem like now that you've got me, your moving even slower than ever or making it come across like you dont really care. I know I screwed up before but I apoligized and made it right.  So here I am once again and I'm giving this a chance bc I believe in you and I know despite how annoying you can be sometimes, that you really are something else. We agreed on taking it slow because we didnt wanna screw up what we already have.  We agreed to give this a shot, "ya never know.." and here we are.  I guess I just like to feel more wanted and cared for.  Like I'm on your mind, you're on mine.  I try to wait and see if you'll call later or send something short.  Most of the time you don't and I'm left there hanging again.  When we're all hanging out, you jokingly mess around with my buddies and dont seem to pay me much attention..if its to make me sorta jealous, its really not working, if anything that would piss me off. However there are many things I can name off about you and I'm sure I'll think of more specific ones later. You listen, you talk, you're considerate, sensitive, caring, you think about things like I do, you're hesitant to get into another relationship, once you find those few people that you trust and care about-you stick with them and love them, you're a hard worker...even when you whine about it, you have your own way of being funny, you seem to conform a little at times but you still remain "yourself," you realize you cant do it without the Lord, you challenge yourself, you're picky about movies, you like elmo, you think untied shoelaces are sexy lol, you like usher alot...etc. My brain has just been swarmin with emotions tonight and I just wish it would chill.

Zone

Does everything have to be soo lovely and happy yet dramatic at the same time..I feel torn in a million directions. So surrounded by good friends and the beginning of a relationship Im scared about.  Feeling lonely and in a different zone than everyone else tonight. Might have seemed normal but I didnt feel like it and it doesnt help when your bestfriend is mad about something dumb. But I dont like drama. I really dont. Maybe theres another word for whats going on. Everythingggg thats going on, its alot it feels like.  Even if it only affects a small piece of my world...it still makes an impact. I need the Lord be be woven back into my book more (beginning, middle pages, end..)...and  to show me how to selflessly care for, to be the friend he wants me to be without being takin advantage of or influenced. And this relationship, I want "slow" too...but...i still need a little more reassurance in a relationship that I'm yours.  Nothing big, just make it more evident. Anyways that isnt that important.

Moving to the rhythm of love, life, and all that good-ish stuff.

       So school has begun. In fact this is my third week. So far I'm loving every minute of it or lets say almost every minute. Sometimes I get bored or wanna pass out in class.  But I can't complain. AUM has proven to be better than I expected when it comes to a campus "feel." I'm loving the group of friends that I have. I'd say there are about 6-7 of us which is not a lot at all. But quality over quantity. We are very close and have fun with anything...no impressing or worryin what the other person thinks. Because we simply dont care about that/would like to know what they think at times to hear their opinion on things or advice on personal situations. We take corrective criticism from each other because we care about the other. Enough of the mushy gushy. Life has been hectic as I already mentioned earlier on. However, I'm learning to adjust. Heres something to throw out there, even though no one reads this. lol. But "he" finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. There are so many things that run through my mind with relationships nowadays. Good and terrible because of experiences and heartache. Everyone gets their heart broken. Some more than others and more often, sometimes with little time in between. It feels like someone is just throwing a baseball at your chest over and over or something. I don't know but it feels like it takes a bit of your heart and tucks it away somewhere so that when someone tries to come in and "care" for you, that piece of you doesnt know how to respond, doesnt know how to "feel" or "care back." Doesnt know how to beat for that person. Anyways, were giving this a shot. So here goes nothing. Goodnight.

I want.

Goh, I just dont know. My acne is soooo bad right now and its sincerally depressing to me...i want it to dissapear by morning. I want Chuck to stop being stupid and for-lorn, I want my hours to be steady, my friends to be constant, my attitude to be more in tune with determination and success, etc. I want.

Nothing much

I'm lost or at least I feel it. I'm happy to some extent, yet broken and yearning for an escape. Wanting to be held, if not to be hurt by another. I am waiting, watching, open to other people, yet a little distant to the touch or idea of you...whoever "you" may be.

One week and a date.

Friday last week I saw transformers. Split between two of my best buddies, I tried not to cry about Josh but it evenually poured and I had to go take care of my mascara that flooded my worn out face. This friday (tonight) I sat next to a guy on a date as he evenually went to grab my hand and hold it secure for the next hr or so. I am full of mixed emotions and rebounding keeps popping up in my head. I'm hesitent to trust anyone or let anyone back in at this point. He seems like he wants to go out again, we will see..wanna take anything slowwww.

A week after.

Being dumped flat out sucks. Growing up, there were many guys I liked and some that liked me back but he was technically my 2nd boyfriend and attempting to dump me through text and then over the phone showed me the kind of man he is, or lack there of. There are times such as this when all I wanna do is cry, scream, run without stopping, blast music and try to sing over it...times like these when I hurt. Times when I look back to things I've done, stupid ignorant things. People I've believed in, cared about, trusted and yearned for.  Truth is, I miss him. Being dumped is obviously painful but its almost as though crying doesnt satisfy the pain. As days go by, certain aspects and situations remind you of that person you cared about.  Making you wonder whether he cared or just wanted to act like it but not really care deep within. When a guy holds me, it calms me down as if everything going on in life that frustrates me and causes stress just evaporates for say 3-4 minutes. Its pure awesome to sound real immature.  The thought of another guy soon just scares me and frustrates me...it hurts. I miss being held, being told I'm beautiful, riding in his truck blaring rap music, kissing...I do not miss the stress of waiting, the stress of wondering and making sure we're "ok." Too much work. Can I make it? I realize that I haven't been in the Word enough or any really lately. That can def make a difference in my relationships and how they are established, maintained, and strengthened. Yes, the fact that a guy I used to admire and look towards has been there the past week and there to comfort me sure does make rebounding easy and hard to avoid. I need strength and I know no strength or pep talk thats gonna help me know what to do and who to go out with besides the strength of God. Lord help me. All I wanna do is cryy...

I hope

                                                                                                                                                             6/26/11
Lil man,
You are amazing. Someone I've always admired and always had feelings for. You are my man and I hope nothing changes. I hope that if theres something you don't like about me that you would tell me. I hope that you know how much I think of you and what I think when I hear your name.  How I feel when you hold me, kiss me, look at me.. I want to be able to share anything with you. I want our communication to strengthen. I want to know every little thing about you.  As if someone is quizzing me about your likes, dislikes, passions, dreams, frustrations, feelings-I know you have them, etc. Thats all for now.
Your girl.