You don't leave my mind

Drew,

I knew youd go and stalk me. Love ya anyways. Don't judge me lol

Who knows what the future holds, or even what tomorrow is gonna bring...I don't technically want to know. The beauty in God writing our stories and his perfect timing is what makes it worth not knowing. And boy does he write them with his own personality and color. One day at a time. One thing to tackle at a time. Always preventing yourself from letting others define your worth nor blocking your heart from experiencing what it means to fall in a good type of helpless love with someone. I'm one to think someone is faking it and not truly being themselves with me but I have no doubts with him. Maybe I'll read this again one day with a big goofy smile on my face. I think about him all day long and most things point to him somehow without even trying. I think about his heart and and how much he actually cares about me as a person; his selflessness which makes me want to be more selfless as well. I long for him to just hold me and to simply breathe him in... I start missing that aspect right after I pull myself away from him. I know I sound cheesy but apparently I've "found my heart...and I have emotions." Its hard to put into words how I feel about him. But he takes what I thought was too "special" for anyone to handle and he cherishes it. With a huge smile and eyes that feel as if they see right through me when they stare me down. It's like he pulls me in; physically and emotionally and I feel complete. Complete as if I didn't know I was incomplete to begin with. In fact, that has been my year. The past 5 months have shown me even more about who I am as a person, the blessings that God has poured out, and the grace that I only thought I knew about. We are undeserving yet he pours it out when we need it most; quite humbling.  

On the other hand, I think people neglect the fact that they DO deserve to be treated the right way and loved like he would have it/ Only by God's grace have I fallen so hard for a man who genuinely gets me. My heart is so full. 

Is this love

I think I'm falling in love for the first time

It's a stressfree feeling that has made me think less and less of myself 

That's what love is after all right

It's a daily routine that involves thinking almost solely of the other person and their needs and not so much about what would personally please you. 

I'm not sure where to start

I can't begin to describe this evening. About a week ago, I casually was googling Robbie Upchurch; my biological dad when I came across a man that sort of favored my features. I clicked on his name and sent a quick message trying to see if he would even respond. As I sat in class working on a project, I clicked on my phone and saw that I had an email back from the remax realtor named Rob Upchurch I had messaged only 5 minutes or so before. Eventually I asked if he knew a lady named Gina Mangum. He quickly replied with, "I did if her maiden name was Lassiter." As I scanned my eyes back and forth over that sentence, I begin to breath deeply and stared at my phone in shock. Even my graphic design teacher could tell something was up with me and asked if I was stressed. I took a moment to soak it all in and replied to him by bluntly asking if he had a child with her. I thought I was being all sly and pushing him into a corner with that question til I remembered that my email address had my full name in it. So naive sometimes. He replied by telling me that he would answer any questions I might have if I would call him when I was ready. I about peed on myself, cried, jumped up and down, passed out, left the room, texted my mom... basically I lost all sense of saneness I had. It took me a few days to soak it all in and even then I still just stared at his number. I wrote it down on a notecard, I figured that was a start and stuck it in my pocket. I reached in my jacket pocket and played with the notecard considering and pondering what the heck I was gonna say first if I ever worked up the nerve to call him. I took it out of my pocket, set it on the counter top and begin doing anything around my apartment I could to distract myself before attempting to call while I studied. Finally I punched in the number and pushed call before I could think twice for the 100th or so time. He didn't answer. I didn't prepare to leave a message but when I heard the beep, I felt obliged to leave a message so I did. I sounded quiet, innocent, and nervous as I asked him to call back when he got a chance if he wanted to talk sometime. I proceeded with my evening taking multiple online quizzes trying to not feel disappointed. I told myself I shouldn't get too disappointed if it doesn't happen or go anywhere because I had grown up being told that I should prepare for this man to most likely not crave true envolvement in my life. This man doesn't know me so why start anew?? However, about thirty minutes later, I looked down and saw his area code calling. I stopped breathing as I mustered a hello. He said is this Josie? I nervously tried to make conversation and then it all of a sudden clicked and the nerves begin to go away. He asked me about everything under the sun. He explained and went into detail about the situation at hand when he was signing away his rights. He explained that he never wanted me to feel as if he abandoned me or just left the picture for selfish reasons. That he has had me on his mind every day and has prayed for me countless times. That there were days when he drove halfway to Montgomery with the mindset that he was going to find me but that fear would take over and he would turn back around knowing that I was happy with the father that God has given me and the love and trust that he has provided. That was kind of a shock to hear. He would look me up online or see my moms facebook profile. That there were days when he simply wondered what I was up to that day or in general. The excitement in his voice about made me cry. I never imagined finding him, better yet having him welcome me with open arms. He told me that hearing from me has lifted a burden he has been carrying wondering and worrying about me and what happened. Knowing that we don't deserve such grace; especially after something happening that would be considered immoral and a sin getting someone pregnant outside of marriage. But God turned it all around. He blessed my mom with the right man, a man that evens her out and also compliments her character and her interests. He blessed me with having this man as my father; a man I could never replace or ask for better. He blessed Robbie with the opportunity to marry his high school sweetheart, do what he loves, and have three wonderful kids. Whom all are excited and looking forward to meeting me. I swear its just too much! God is so gracious to us.

Why do I wonder

Why do I wonder

Why do I feel so up and down

Am I happy 

What does it even mean to be happy 

To be happy with someone 

A 

Content 

Individual 

Brought together with one 

One who makes them more than they are 

More than they are alone 

Embrace

Learn to embrace the fact that you're where you're at for a reason. That as long as you're walking IN Christ and not depending on your own understanding, you shouldn't worry about what's next. That he's put the where, what, and who all into place for a purpose. The mystery of what's next fascinates me, knowing that Christ is the only one who knows these things. 

Bucket List

Skydive

Rock climb

Sing at a wedding

Have a romantic valentines 

Run a half marathon

Run a full marathon 

Figure out how to use my love for the elderly 

Make creme brûlée 

Get a graphic design internship 

Trust God with my career

Live stressfree

Go mud riding the right way

Make it big with Advocare 

Be in the best shape I can

Have at least 2 kids

Have a lasting, happy marriage

World race
Go to a vineyard
Go backpacking
Do a triathlon
Save for retirement
Fall in love
Visit different breweries and know beer
Don't give up
Travel to Italy or anywhere in Europe
Marry the man God would have for me
Go to a drive-in movie
Find my biological dad
Get a tattoo(s)
Do a GoRuck challenge or light challenge
Sing in a recording studio 

Maintain my strength through anything 

Design a beer bottle design 

Write a book (my story)

Connect both "lives" I've been blessed w

Travel while you're young 

Reach for the one upper
Build a book fort

Do more woodworking projects 

Flip a house

Live by the lake

Go to Europe 

Land a good job

Save for retirement while I'm still young
Don't get discouraged if you start small out of school
Do an Ironman

Testing of your mind

To wonder what is going on when you think you know and that side of you that knows everything is fine in general but you're scared somethings up; maybe even an elephant in the room. Or maybe its the simply fact that you're one to think so hard that you create problems that aren't even there. That could be it as well. Either way, your mind is testing your patience as you struggle with so many things you want to say or scream aloud. But why? Is anything even wrong. Maybe its the sole fact that I need to work more on investing in other peoples lives and those I care about more than myself to see whats really up. I wonder sometimes whether some people care; well am I showing that I care about their life and what's going on. Maybe not, maybe I need to pick up my game. The struggle is real...up in this head of mine. There's also that bit of conviction going down within myself knowing when something is against his Word and what he wants for me in life. Those struggles make my heart feel like it's being zapped over and over again even when I think I'm doing something that makes me "happy" To ignore the Holy Spirit I've discovered is to push what you're hearing into any open grave...the more dirt you throw on top, the more drowned out the sound becomes; yet the grief becomes worse at the same time.